| Dear Buju |
[Jul. 6th, 2005|01:16 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Joe Strummer | ] |
Today was a waste of make up
ive cried it all off
black tears stream down my cheeks
ive got a knot in the back of my throat
your so close,
but never close enough
one call away
but that call costs to much
always a price on making that touch
your gestures are sweet
although im getting numb
i cant even feel my tears
im feeling pathetic
like another sad song
broken heart, sing the blues
i never ment to hurt you
you broke my heart
before you even had it
so i sit here
one sad connection after another
you try to make amends
i dont even know whats wrong
it all came tumbling down so fast
like a stack of cards
puzzle pieces to the broken heart
im standing here with them in my hand
i hope i have all the pieces
i dont think i will recover from this
-------------------------------------------------------------
i want you so bad
but ive got no words to make you stay
id kill to have you in the same room
even if it ment killing myself |
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| Lusting |
[Jul. 6th, 2005|01:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
I want to be your everything. The one thing on your mind all day. Dancing thru your thoughts like a crush you secretly undress. I think about doing things to you when we're all alone. I'll bring the kink, you bring yourself. Stay all night and let me make you mine. I'll ride, grind, dance, and claim you. I want you to get hard at the sight of these hipbones. Tell me you need me. You crave me. Not just sexually. I know you imagine me moaning when your all alone. I'll take you out to a nice party, and tell you dirty secrets all night. You'll make me pay for it when we get home. But that was all planned. Only the position will be a suprise. You keep bringing the suprises. I want you to turn me on with your thoughts. Stimulate me with in depth conversation. Tickle me with the hair on your chin. Dont trail me around as something pretty to look at. Let me lead. I want to catch you looking at my ass. Only so I can imagine the things your thinking. Fuck me when your parents are home. Just so you have to put your hand over my mouth. Letting me bite and moan into it. Pin my hands above my head and take control. Make me weak to you. You know what drives me wild. Grab me and public and kiss me hard. Kiss me like its the last time you get these lips on yours. Dont be shy. Let your tongue fuck my mouth. When I push my thigh between your legs. Make sure you show me you like it. Grab my ass when no one or everyone is looking. Just to remind yourself that this is all yours. |
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| While youve been gone. |
[Jul. 4th, 2005|01:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Aqueduct | ] |
You've been gone for days. You told me you needed time. Time to sort thru your head. I am beginning to fear that this will take a lifetime. A lifetime I have given you. I told you I wanted to make everyday of your life the best day ever. But I dont think you believed me. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." I dont think so. Because the longer you are gone to more I feel less and less apart of you. I think I will forget how to make you laugh. I have your picture, but when I close my eyes I cant see you. The more your gone the more I feel I am erasing you. While I try to fight it, I wonder how you can stay away from me for so long. Werent you the one who told me that I was your everything. I was the one that made you happy. Well love, I think I have forgotten how to make you happy. I know you never ment for this to happen, they never do. You just needed time. But I needed you to be close to me. I needed you late at night to hold me. I miss how you used to squeeze me so tight I thought I couldnt breath. I wonder if we will ever make angry love again because the longer you are gone the more and more I forget you. I sit here night after night after night. Thinking, wondering, trying to come up with solutions. Why would you leave for so long. What is so urgent you need to figure it out? Why does your life get so much more complicated than mine? If you want me to be in your life, how will I fit? Youve got you cable with every movie channel, the delux phone package, and your nice apartment with hardwood floors. Does this make you a man? If I were you I would throw it all away and force myself to grab my love and run away. Take me away, anywhere. I would live under a bridge just to be with you. Even if we were starving I would be full of your love. You dont see things my way. You need the big job, the nice clothes, and the luxury car. While we are so alike, we seem to be getting more and more different. You want to put a nice big ring on my finger, but honestly I dont want one. I want my love. I want you. The old you. Before you had to take time to figure things out. I miss your honest laugh and how you kissed me every chance you got. Now Ive forgotten what your lips even feel like on mine. I feel like I have been submitted to a rehab to get off of you. Sure enough the first few days were horrible. It hurt. I cried and screamed. Everytime I saw your claw marks on my body I got physically sick. Those scratches have finally healed and now I think that was all I had left of you. Your still figuring things out and I have been patient and given you time. I want to call you several times a day just to leave you messages. I would declare my love and state every reason that you should be with me. I want to fix all your problems. I want to be the pill you take every morning to make yourself smile. But you have left for now. You have left me to go fight a war that is taking place inside your mind. I have been left to lay in my bed without you night after night after night. Its a reoccuring event. My pillow doesnt even smell like you anymore. I love you so much I am beginning to hate you. I am to young to be feeling this. I should be happy. But your the only one who knew just how to make me that way. Its terribly sad and I wish hallmark made a card for this kind of sympathy. All I am left to do is sit around and wait for you. I am in the lobby of life waiting for you to call my number. But who knows when that will be. |
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| "I'm Heaven Sent" |
[Jun. 30th, 2005|12:59 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | numb | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Brand New | ] |
"I am all youve ever wanted." We're sitting in the dark. The candles flick and hiss at the wall. There reflection jumping at the darkness. I stare at your face. It seems so perfect. Each flaw seems to be placed there. Making them part of the plan. Your eyes are so blue. They remind me of the beginning of a flame. The blue right before it lashes into red and orange. I am positive if you got mad enough your eyes would do the same thing. The flects of green make me wonder if apart of me is in you. If I've gotten under your skin and apart of you sees things from my view. We are both stoned. Time has slowed down and we have nothing better to do than play lovers. In my mind I imagine you are deeply in love with me and no one else will ever compare to the way I love you. If you left me and found another. There touch would never feel the same. The kiss wouldn't mix right. Your sweat wouldn't smell good on there flesh. I move closer to you. Finding out soon enough that staring at your beauty isnt enough. I need to touch you. I want to smell you. Feel your skin move across my lips. I love the way you moan softly when you feel my body move over yours. It almost feels unreal. Theres so much I want to do with you. Carnial desires that one night simply couldnt hold all of. There places I want to take you. Where I take no one else. I wouldnt dare take anyone else. But for some reason your opinion matters to me. I want to know how you feel about everything. I softly plant kisses along your neck. I feel your body begin to shift. Knowing your already enjoying this to much. I have to stop. I pull back. Moving my body to the edge of the bed. Holding my back up to the wall. My body elements have been shifted. I sit so long staring at you I begin to feel I am stuck to that wall. Like a piece of art. You tell me I'm beautiful, gorgeous. I never respond. I am art work. I pick my costume daily. I paint my face. I am pleasing to look at. Until I open my mouth. I wonder if you feel the same. In the game in my head I try to imagine you love every word that falls from my mouth. Like drops from the sky to a thristy flower. Suddenly I dont know. Nothing makes sense. Your eyes are sinking back into your head. The candle is burning down and things are getting darker and darker. I think Im breathing to loudly. But all I can hear in my mind is my heart beating. Its getting louder. Like a drum that wont stop. What if it stopped. Would you be the last thing I saw? Would you keep me nailed to this wall as art? Displaying me to your future lovers as the one who got away? But I didnt get away. I stopped. I take a sharp breath. Realizing I stopped breathing for a moment. Theres a pain in my chest. It doesnt quiet feel like my heart. Its lower. Like a stabbing. Did you aim for my heart and miss? In my subconscous your hands are wrapped around my throat. Somehow I think its beautiful. You take some much passion in making sure my last breath is before you. Would you kill my pain? What if you caused me pain. Would you slit your wrists and bleed it out in my bathtub. I would crawl in that tub and lay my head on your chest as the water turned red. I would keep my arms around you. Kissing you sweetly. Watching you drift to another place. Is it just black when you die? Do you believe in heaven my love? Will your God be there to take your hand once you leave this earth? This is paradise my love. Even thou you complain. There is beauty everywhere. The candle flicks and lets out a hiss. Breaking my thoughts. I move my eyes from you to the candle. Getting lost in the wick burning. My soul feels like a wick. Slowly burning until theres nothing left for it turn burn. There I will be. In my coffin surrounded by my shell which would be this body. Pierced and tattooed as such. My temple. Keeping me happy. Keeping me safe. But it bleeds. If I let myself bleed out all the way my soul would dry up. Thus assuming the blood keeps my soul from going stale. Your leaning in to kiss me. Your eyes are still open. I hear you whisper that you love me. How could you love me. You dont even know me. I dont know me. I am complex. I am heaven sent, dont you dare forget. I am perfectly messed up. I am beauty. But I can unfold. I get under your skin. But I can still hurt. I cry and Ive been known to throw fits for no reason. But you still assume I am yours. I am gorgeous. I am what ever you want. Your right, you love me. Because I am whatever you want to see. Ask me what its like to have my self so figured out. Wish I knew. |
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| Spending too long in the shower |
[Jun. 25th, 2005|12:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd | ] |
In the shower I feel safe. Even thou I'm naked.. The water protects me. Each time I shot up. I snort one more line. I feel okay. I take my shower. Getting lost to the sound of the water. I can feel every drop of water hit my skin. It washes away my negitive thoughts. I feel happy. Knowing Im safe in the shower. I get lost in thoughts of happy things. Good times. But then I think of you. I being to rub my eyes. I wish I could get you out of my head. That burned image of those blue eyes. They once metled my soul. Now they only cause me pain. I remember the times you made me feel so incrediable. Like the blow does. I wish I could puke up every drop of your cum Ive swallowed. I remember when youd fuck me. Id get lost in it. It hurt when you would first slide it. The pain let me know it was real. You seemed so happy when you were inside me. But the moment youd pull out I knew you would go back to being sad. I tried so hard to keep you happy. I just couldnt do it. I feel my skin sting. I realize Im still in the shower. Clawing at my face. I want to rinse every trace of you off me. For every good there is a bad. For every smile you gave me, theres a scar from making me frown. Does it make you happy? Knowing you got me so messed up. You told me you loved me. I couldnt tell you I loved you. If I did, Id risk letting you in and you'd find how vunerable I am. I do another line. Sitting on my floor. Staring at your picture from my wallet. The pictures been folded and unfolded so many times. I focus on your blue eyes. Id like to keep your picture close to my heart. But the wallet seemed much easier. Knowing I could put you some what behind me. Your blue eyes. They call to me. I stare. I try to focus. I see the specks of green. I get lost. I try to unravel what made you so sad. How come you shut me out. But I fail. Youve locked me out with the smirk on your face. I fold the picture again. Ripping it a little. The sound. Reminds me of the pain you put into my heart. I want to hurt you. Id like you to feel pain. If I cut out your heart, even thou its only a photograph. I wonder if you would feel it. Although Im sure you dont have a heart by this time anyways. Your cigerattes. The cancers gone to your heart and melted it away. Only ash remains. The water gets hotter. Its pouring over my skin. Im in another world. Yet still standing in my shower. I begin washing my hair. Over and over again. I want the smell of you out of it. The smell of your cigerattes. Not cheap like camels. The rich intoxicating smell that used to turn me on. I want it gone. The shower hides me. Even thou Im crying. No one can tell because the water quickly mixes with my tears. I realize Ive been clawing at my body. The water at my feet is the palest of pink. Mixing with the bubbles. Something so pretty like a bubble, but I hate them. In those bubbles and flecs of my skin hold you. You. You must go. I cant cry over you anymore. My skin stings and I feel my body coming down from my last hit. I lean my head against the wall. Letting the sound of the water running thru the pipes calm me. The bubbles have gone down the drain. I turn the water off. Feeling suddenly empty. Watching the last of the water run down the drain. The drain the holds my soul. I pull the shower curtain back. Reaching for my towel. I feel sad. |
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